Yesterday I found a very good instagram account with beautiful and very specific quotes about the human psyche and our programmings and patterns.

Some of them were incredibly striking. Some were very spot on for me personally.They touched on why we have developed certain particular patterns over the years and where these come from. They filled me with so much compassion. For myself and for every human being. We are all so scarred and programmed and it just touched me so deeply knowing that this is in fact the way it is meant to be. For us all to find our way out of it all. To liberate ourselves, to come alive and to fall in love with living. Life is not meant to be a means to an end. So many people including myself for many years are paralysed with fear. Fear of this, fear of that, and fear of living, fear of making a mistake, fear of being abandoned, fear of not being approved, loved. Fear of failing or fear of even trying. This is an insane way to live our lives. Insane!

When looking back at my life I feel a lot of things. I feel incredibly happy with all the wonderful memories I have to look back at. I have done some crazy stuff. Good, bad, ugly. I am definately not proud of everything but I have no regrets. When I look back at my life right now I can see so clearly why everything played out exactly the way it did. I was meant to meet particular kinds of people that treated me in a particular kind of way, for me to learn certain things. To grow, be tested and overcome insecurities and blockages.

My life have certainly not been an easy one. I have struggled with various health issues over the years. Physical once, emotional once and even mental and spiritual once. But despite of all of my hardships my inner resilience have never once given up the belief that I believe I was born with, that there must be a meaning, a purpose and a deeper reason for why absolutely everything is happening to us. I was born into a family where these types of thoughts were not usually talked about. I am sure I was a somewhat different daughter, sibling and friend. I questioned things, I hated being put into a box. I rebelled, I did crazy shit and then I left to go and explore the world.

I believe my life has been many things, but boring and lifeless is the one thing it has never been.

However now since I turned 48 just last week and since I am now feeling slighly wiser and much much happier I can see that the one thing that we need as women to really soar, blossom and come alive is tapping in to our sexual energy. We need to awaken it and we really need it to find our joy, our creativity and our passion and ecstasy.

I was born with an intense sexual energy, but as a young woman you were never given any real tools how to manage these energies. I became very emotional and my energy was very intense. I was an angry teenager and a frustrated young woman.

Every man I met thought I was intense, and I was. I was never fully satisfied, I always had this feeling that there must be more and something better.

I don´t like this term so much because the language is not so pure but I will say it anyway, underfucked. I was underfucked, and so were most of the women around me and the men were completely clueless. The women were intense and aggressive and the men were probably feeling pressured and confused.

When Tantra came into my life I got so many answers to so many things that I always felt but that I didn´t have any words or explanations for.

The importance of polarities for example. I always knew this intuitively but nobody ever taught me how to tap into my divine femininity and nobody told the men how to be masculine either. We were all just confused, frustrated and living life underfucked, sexually frustrated, angry, rude, emotional and with various chaotic and addictive behaviours.

I have recently had the privledge of meeting an incredibly masculine man. He is a bit more intense, and a lot more masculine then any man I ever met before. He understood what I needed, what I always needed but never knew how to open up to recieve. He has made me soar and my creative energy and my self-confidence has never been this high. It is so beautiful and I feel incredibly lucky. Every woman should be so lucky to meet a confident and masculine man that helps them to fully let go and trust. It´s an incredible feeling. We are not the same as men and women. We want and need completely different things to blossom into our respective energies. My life now feels easy, playful and I feel gorgeous, fearless and in love with myself, life and my surroundings.

I am not a strong believer in finding the one or in falling in love with one particular person. However I do believe in staying committed to the one person that helps you grow spiritually and if a man can make me feel alive like this, then he is definately someone I want to keep close to me.

The last few weeks and months even I have had such a strong feeling inside of me that so many of my biggest fears of not being loved and of letting love in and then loosing it, being abandoned and heartbroken are all slowly melting away. I do not really need anything or anyone in order to feel complete. Everyone will ultimately leave me at one point or another as we are all dying and nothing lasts forever. Everything is fleeting and it all comes and goes. But God will never leave me. He is always with me. I feel him so deeply everyday. He is always there. I am him and he is within me and after feeling this so deeply I have realised that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I can never be left alone. I will ultimately never be alone. I am it. It was a profound feeling the first time I felt it so deeply and then so many things in my life started shifting. The gorgeous, sexy man came into my life. I don´t need him or anyone, I know that I will be left many times and I will myself also leave others, but I am whole. Knowing this make me feel safe and free both at the same time. And interestingly enough now I meet a man that I actually want to be with. When I have realised that ultimately I do not need him and I am completely fine with him not liking me, not wanting me or not wanting to continue seing me. It doesn´t really matter to me. I mean, yes please stay a little longer and let us explore life and grow together spiritually. Please do feel free to continue awakening my sexual & beautiful feminine energy and please accept my feminine love and care. I love our gorgeous polarity. I welcome it and I truly enjoy it. A lot. But I am not afraid any longer. Not even one bit. I know what I am. I know who I am. Life has never felt more beautiful and I have noticed a really profound difference in the way I approach people. I see them as beautiful souls. I accept them for who they are. I feel them from my heart chakra more then ever. I feel completely confident telling people how lovely they are without needing to get anything in return. This is a truly special feeling. An unconditional kind of love.

So right now life is looking up. I am definately starting to fell much deeper in love with myself and with my life. I notice how much beauty there is in this world. Nature for example has never looked so alive and the energy I percieve within myself and all around me is much stronger and everything vibrates.

I feel very greatful. Greatful to Shiva for taking me on an incredible journey through life´s up´s and down´s and for finally showing me how life truly feels. I feel like a lot of dirt on my mirror has been washed away and I see and feel so many things so differently.

Again, thank you Shiva for always guiding me and for finally unlocking me and helping me see life.